I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Plan B is the new Plan A
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
