I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
