the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
