im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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