When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She has the best kind of daddy issues
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
