I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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