Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
