i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
