Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
