i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This toilet bowl is my home.
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