my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
