why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
