life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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