Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
