I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
