The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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