i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
