he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
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A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
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