He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
