btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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