his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
