I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
