Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You made out with two different species that night
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
