How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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