the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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