my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
