I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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