i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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