I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
