I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
