I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
