I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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