I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
