so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
