My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
