hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
