Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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