we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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