Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
