he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
