she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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