I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
