i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
