I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
