I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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