go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
