Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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