what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
