Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
