had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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