just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
