She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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