he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
