The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
