Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
