Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
