no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
